T’is the Season to rush around madly, develop a sense of unrestrained disgust for humanity while shopping, and then feel utterly defeated by the thought of another year rolling around…another year to see another birthday.
I’m in an oddly reflective frame of mind as I think about my 40th birthday, which will, regardless of what I do or say, arrive on the 19th of March 2019.
As birthdays go, you could say this one is just another number, or that I’m only half way to death. Whatever you say about 40, it’s a place I never could have fathomed when I was a kid; 30 seemed odd enough, but what comes after is anyone’s guess.
The reason for my reflection is my change in career and due, most wonderfully, to my love affair with writing since November 2015.
I was a Property Lawyer for roughly 10 years. I learnt so much about the light and dark sides of human nature, politics in the office, greed, failure and success, and myself in those years. So much so that I am now an ex-lawyer.
It’s been a long road to say out loud, “Career mindset and how you see yourself can really fuck with your head.” I’ve had to come to the realisation that you don’t need a title if you are terribly unhappy.
Terribly unhappy was a time in early 2010. I was sitting at my desk in an office without a window. The office was on the 17th floor, but if I tried I could see out of other people’s windows. I sat thinking about my files, as I stressed over 150 that all needed my attention ASAP (how I hate that acronym). I pictured the files pouring out of the windows, to fall and float down on to the streets as they caught on fire. Paper and ash falling as people looked up in wonder.
I came to realise, looking back, that I probably should not have stuck at it so long. However, I did learn many things and it taught me that I was trying to be someone I was not. It only took about 10 years for me to get to the point where I would admit it to myself. That honesty only happened recently.
You ask, “Where is all of this going?” Well, creative writing and poetry changed me. I started to think and feel differently through writing. As I wrote more I discovered that the law meant less to me. Then all I wanted to do was write, and that is when I knew that I would never make it in private practice. Also, I didn’t really want the lawyer life anymore.
So, I took a chance this year and changed my career path. I start a new role in January 2019 which will make time for writing, which is what I love.
As the eternal optimist, I say, “The washing machine of my life might be fucking with my clothes, but once you find the power point you can turn it off“.
May we all write more words in 2019.
C K Words